Could It Be Nearly 2000 Days Gone By

...and yet I feel  none the wiser.

Well, maybe just a bit.

 Yesterday marked year five of widowhood  for me .

My husband of 20 years was found stabbed to death  in his office  around 7 PM on Sunday  July 14 ,2002.

 He had been dead for almost 2 hours.

There is still no one in custody for this crime, despite  FBI involvement  .

The  seconds,mi nutes, hours, days, weeks,months and years that have ensued have been  hard , sad and scary.

 So far we've made it as gracefully as one can  after surviving a tragedy.

 I am no longer in the clutches of deep grief  and haven't been for  at least 3-4 of those years , but  I think about him , and our love   at least once a day.

You  just never think  someone you love  will die at the hands of another.

I have been searching for who I am as a woman of a certain age  who married  fresh out the box of her teen years.

I like myself , and  it's taken many years to feel that about myself.

He use to be my biggest  fan, now I am my own.

Our relationship wasn't perfect ,as no relationship is, but at the end of a day his face , his love 

and our connection carried me through to the next .

To  live without his physical presence has been  extremely hard.

Yes , he resides inside my head and heart but on some days that just wasn't enough.

These days I remember  him with a sense of melancholy  and am amazed to have made it this far without a total breakdown, anti-depressants  or copious amounts of  booze.

I am not against recoupling , and I honestly thought that by now I would have gone on at least one date ( grits teeth) , but the timing just hasn't been right yet.

I've been  working on me , on being ok with me.