My Journey Here --Diaryland Excerpts
Sunday, May. 18, 2003,
At every turn, every time we've moved - when people find out I am a widow , invariably they want to know how he died .
Then that look on people's faces , a mixture of pity , horror and sympathy that immediately changes my possible relationship with them.
But I feel this intrinsic need to tell them what happened ( not in detail of course ) , because this has so fundamentally changed me.
8:39 P.M.
Ponderings
12-28-03,
That's what this is all about-
recreating ourselves.
Not forgetting who brought us to this point , but honoring them in some internal fashion that we can live with everyday.
At first I fought so hard against this change of life plans .
Then I thought, yes I miss him ,and the way he died is so awful.
I am still here though and I must forge into the present and future.
I cannot live on yesterdays alone.
I refuse to let
this be my excuse to do nothing with the time that is left to me.
How fast did those 21 years go by ?
Wallowing in anger, pain and self-pity will bring me nothing.
I cannot live like that .
I will survive.
9:13
Pieces of Me03-13-05,
The first year after his death around 3-4 PM in the afternoon every Sunday - I'd realize his life poured out of him so and so many Sundays ago.
I still catch myself looking up at the clock on Sunday afternoons after 2 1/2 years and remembering what act changed my life forever.
For so many years his days off had been Sundays & Mondays.
Six months previous to his death , it had changed because we needed the extra Sunday money .
We were not spending as much time together anymore as I was working when he was off alot of the time.
That was about to change as I had given my 2 week notice to prepare for the long-awaited assignment to Germany that was finally just around the corner .
That Sunday afternoon my love and dreams lay in a shattered pile at my feet.
I am still picking up the pieces.
A pattern is starting to emerge as I find new dreams built on the rubble of the old.
10:46
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 04.11.07 (11:26 am)
((hugs)) For years after my father's death, I automatically knew when it was 5:15 p.m. Take care.
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 04.11.07 (12:54 pm)
I don't even know what to say. I do not wish to understand your pain... I do not wish anyone to ever understand that pain.
My heart is with you. despite the time that has passed or the healing you have (maybe) done... my heart is with you, because you do know that pain, and I find myself with nothing else to offer. :(
Thank you for posting this, apyjo.
posted by: doeeyed (reply)
post date: 04.12.07 (7:23 am)
I wish I had something to offer that would help in someway.
Please know my heart goes out to you.
posted by: mimi (reply)
post date: 04.13.07 (5:12 pm)
the pain is unending, the confusion and anger obliterates the ability to think and see clearly and some days are just worse than most. my heart feels your sadness and your pain. loss is bad enough, what you have suffered is immeasurable! please hold on...with love
xoxox