Still Gone

Tom would  have turned  53 yesterday if things were different.

Instead , he's been gone for  4  anniversaries , birthdays , Christmas and  New Years.

It's strange how time has muted so much of the searing pain for me .

The 1st year was savage in it's intensity , the 2nd year was  strong melancholia tinged with  sharp pains around the edges,  and now at  the 3rd into 4th year  it's  an undercurrent of  sadness  that flows through my waking moments that also lives in some of my nightmares .

I loved this man for so long , and I still love  the man  that was here  with me for over 20 years .

At the same time though, I cannot cling to a dead man  .

And yet  the tear in the fabric of my spirit bears his name.