Kitchen Drudgery Summons Endlessly and Other Rantings
11.20.05 (11:17 am) [edit]
Attn:
Those of you that don't want to see rantings about Parental Units, should go somewhere else to read today !
Now that Ma's gone back to Germany for a few weeks,the house is mine again.
And all that entails.
More meals and helping my Dad out the door 5 mornings a week .
For all the gingko he buys ( and the vast amount he spends on high quality supplements ) , his memory sure can be iffy.
Mom says he's been like this forever.
He's not actually getting worse.
Yesterday I was practically chained to the kitchen sink & stove-top/microwave.
Steff helped with the dishes , but Dad never really does.
Except Sundays when we wait for his crepes for half of the morning .
If I were making them they wouldn't take that long, and there'd be less mess.
But I want him to contribute, and I want him to explore his creative cooking side.
When my mother's here she guards the kitchen like a soldier.
She's not all that tidy herself, but she's a drill sergeant if things are not to her liking.
It's so annoying.
My Dad has this knack for remarks that are so unnecessary and negative, which he somehow finds "humorous."
Yes, I curse the great spark plug for making this situation last way too long.
I want my house investment back ( so does Steff) and then we need to be separate but nearby.
This is too much after 3 years.
I feel that their support is beginning to cost me too much financially and emotionally .
I try not to let Mom's tyranny and Dad's unyielding POV spoil my life, but sometimes I just want it all to be smooth with no tricky undercurrents threatening to pull us all down into the mire all the time .
The problem is that Steff and I don't know where we want to be.
So we'll make another move with my parentals and then see .
I have to find a way to deal with them.
They are both over 60, and frankly I can't see them changing positively any more.
Personality changes that late in life are rare, I believe, outside of illnesses .
Which I don't want them to suffer obviously.
I do love them, but I am remembering why we only visited every summer...
posted by: spiritbear (reply)
post date: 11.21.05 (2:51 am)
It sounds like the natural evolution of things...there was a time after Tom's death where you and your PUs and daughter all really needed to rally round and hold each other together in every way. But as in all such situations, it becomes time to let go and move on. Teacher/student, parent/child...it is the natural progression. I'd say don't "make another move with the parents and then see"...I'd say make a decision soon and get yourself and your daughter into your own situation independent of them. It will only get harder, both for you and your parents, to make that break as they get older and more and more set in their ways. It will be very difficult to transit out of what has become familiar but...I think the rewards will be worth it. Don't forget, if you make the break, it will impact them in ways they don't even know about yet...it could "force" some growth on their part. I don't agree that it's too late for growth in their 60s. That may be true for them as unique humans but it has nothing to do with their age. I know several people in my life in their 60s, 70s and 80s who have made dramatic inner and outer changes even in those decades of their life.
Anyway, to one other point...you said you and your daughter don't know where you want to be and that seems to stop you from making any decisions...sometimes you need to take a leap, a risk, and keep in mind (oddly) the impermanence of it all...no decision is final even if it seems to be in magnitude. Sometimes you have to plant yourself and see how you bloom. I know you know about this dynamic, being a military brat like me!
Maybe make a list of the criteria of a place, for you and your daughter (and keep in mind my dear that at some point she will need to make her break from YOU...the natural order...so don't leave yourself high and dry in terms of where YOU are heading...)...anyway, make that list and then see what places might fulfill it. That's what I did when I decided in my late 20s to stop being at the mercy of fate and make a choice for myself of where to live, for a change. I felt I'd been bounced around too much by then, with such a transitory childhood which continued into a transitory young adulthood...so, from Chicago at the time, I made a list of attributes in a place and then began to look around. I found New Mexico and Albuquerque and it fit the bill. I never regretted that move, it felt very self-actualizing! So...maybe you and your daughter should sit down with a list and make a plan and then go for it!
I am enjoying the forthrightness of your blog and your evolution...you are a strong and vibrant spirit and don't you let anyone tell you otherwise...
Take care,
SB
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 11.21.05 (4:09 am)
You have given me alot of great thoughts to ponder on !
That being said , I won't leave this house without seeing the sale of it through ( I put in a huge chunk of Tom's insurance money, and Steff put in a chunk too).
Our monies are coneected in good and bad ways.
My Dad has great credit and is helpong me since I co-own the house.
However, my Mom gave up her business in Germany and is having money issues.
I am helping out there too now.
I don't want to have to pay to move my stuff , and when Dad moves our stuff goes for free.
So that 's part of why I am staying .
Also, my Dad has good luck with most jobs and we think this move is the last one we will make together most likley.
Them being my only family means close by but seperate is the only way we can exist more peacefully.
My parents have not changed that much ( positively) since I left home nearly 25 years ago.
Their persoanlities are very set and we see tha everyday we live here.
I am not disrespecting them, I am just saying that occassionally we are right too.
They don't know everything.
My Dad and Mom are complex individuals and I see many good things in them, but I see chaos and negativity where there doesn't need to be any.
posted by: outlaw (reply)
post date: 11.21.05 (4:47 am)
I'm in agreement with a lot of what SB says and hope that a transfer comes sooner rather than later.
I see a transfer as a way to more easily slide into the changes you not only want, but are apparently, quite ready to make.
Howsumever....what happens if he does not get posted elsewhere? How long will you stay if this position becomes more or less permanent?
And, if you end up staying how will you make it evident to your parents that the status quo is not going to be workable for you and Steff???? (You should NOT have to be looking for reasons to leave the house every day.)
You have hit a crossroad on this journey, my friend. You are ready, yet still a little frightened, to make some important changes in the life of you and your daughter. (who will in turn make changes of her own at some point.)
One major truth is that your parents will always see you (and Steff) as a child while you are basically under what they consider their roof. If you end up staying, somehow, you must change the way they view you even so you share the roof.
To steal from SB....Oh...Brave new world. Indeed, how much you have grown since first we met.
posted by: judypatooote (reply)
post date: 11.21.05 (5:50 am)
Ouch! 60's huh, I'm 65 and I don't think or feel old.....so your mom and dad are younger than me... but I agree with SB you and your daughter should branch out on your own.....I know I could never live with my mom, and she admitted to me, noway could she live with me.
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 11.21.05 (6:20 am)
I am not trying to insult anyone
over 60 here , friends !
I am just saying that habits and personalities are very set by a certain age, particularily for them .
I am tired of always being deemed "wrong".
It seems as though I only get "power" when I wield my checkbook.
posted by: Sandie (reply)
post date: 11.21.05 (2:25 pm)
April, my dear you are made of some powerful stuff. I could have never lived with my parents after I left. I tried it once for 36 long hours!
I think as long as you are in the house you will be a child.
What is the worse that will happen if you decide to move without them? As in having them buy you out, not walking away from your investment. What is the worse that will happen if you stay? What is the worse that will happen if you move?
I think it is time to move forward. It seems as if maybe your daughter is being hurt by all of this too. I know you don't want that.
What if you rented close to them now and moved where they went later? Then after the family move you purchase a place for you and Steff and the grand dog.
I don't think renting a truck to move your stuff will be all that expensive. I moved us here. Yes, it was the pits but it was worth it, this is our home now.
Isn't there a symbol in some culture of two women under the same roof and the symbol stands for war?
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 11.21.05 (6:21 pm)
Sandie :)
My parents don't have money to buy me out .
They can't afford this house without me.
This house is in a good area , has alot of good features.
I need to conserve money , or add to it.
It is not time for big, bold moves right now.
So I will be getting employed next year as will Steff.
We don't have issues with them everyday , but alot of them had come to a head again lately.
I don't want to stay here in the Houston area too much longer though .
I especially hope to be gone before the next hurricane season...
My Dad has moved every 2 1/2 years
since 2000.
All have been good jobs in decent areas.
I think he'll get something else again soon and it's going to be exciting to find out where it's going to be.
~Thank You everyone for all your kind thoughts and ideas~
posted by: spiritbear (reply)
post date: 11.22.05 (12:25 am)
Everyone has such good thoughts...it's not a simple issue, is it? Seems no issues ever are simple or they wouldn't be issues!
I could never have lived with my mother. Childhood was bad enough, and I spent most of my young adulthood in therapy recovering. My dad, however, I could live with easily. We are very much alike in so many ways and he's such a sweetheart, I am truly blessed with him.
I wish you well in it all, and hope your dad gets a new assignment somewhere that you really could feel good about moving to, and then make the break in a way that makes financial sense for you.
Take care,
Spiritbear
posted by: Sandie (reply)
post date: 11.23.05 (3:54 am)
April, What a situation!!!
Maybe the move will take place soon.
Speaking from a parent POV I would hate to know my DD had an investment in my home. I realize you aren't anything like my offspring, but the feeling of sharing the monetary investment in my abode ...shuddering at the thought!!!!!
Seeing what you have said about the PU's makes me wonder how they must feel knowing you have as much, really more, control of the housing and can force a separation if you want.
That has to play on their nerves.
Here is hoping to a resolution to the situation that makes all happy.