Questions & Answers April Style
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
*finger calisthenics are a proven method of eking out that last battery juice *
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
*because they can*
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
*because humans are inherently contrary and can't pass up a cartoon moment *
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
*next question*
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
*flat / edgy jungle rocks ( gee whiz do I gotta splain it all) & banana lather *
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
*hey, now--poultry allergies can take down the best of us *
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
*hiding a bad hair day can be hell on wings *
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
*because " lip " was already taken ...again and again ...*
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
*product comparison still rules our capitalist society*
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
* I refuse to answer this flat out racist question *
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
*after the rapture...*
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
*hunger is the best sauce*
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
*because the advert said it picks up everything and they wouldn't lie to ME *
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
* because static cling isn't your friend and never was ,so deal *
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
*osmosis*
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
*because food fights are no reason to spend time inna slammer *
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
*keep that talent at your house,K? *
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
* Ppl R Freaks*
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
* Misogyny is still alive and thriving and knows no socio-economic distinctions*
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
*Is that what the pixies told you ? Cuz that wasn't the 411 I heard.And I'm in the loop.*
I Have Way Too Much Imagination
I have to recount this strange daydream I've been having lately!
Our local recyclers won't take yogurt cups of any kind .
I can only save so many without turning into my mother.
Asst. yogurt cups line the kitchen shelves like a flimsy , eclectic ( I'm being kind --totally mismatched is what it should read) bowl set .
She's trying to pass herself off as "green', but she saves so many other things, that it's more along the lines of the women that collect dozens of cats.Read : she's nearly mental about saving yogurt containers .
So when I talked to the waste company about the pile up vs toss sitch , they suggested I could go around & offer them to daycare centers /kindergartens for the kids to paint with or make crafts.
I began envisoning this scenario of Steff & I driving up to a school , I lean out while cracking on some gum and motion to the children playing behind the fence,
" Hey kids, youse want some good stuff to use for painting and crafts ?"
( I sound like a "Soprano " here somehow)
Steff pops open trunk and a huge pile of cleaned , different shape and size yogurt containers gleam in the sunlight.
Excited little faces gawk at the splendor of plastic ripe for the taking.
I wink , "Why doncha go in and get your teach , so's we can make a little deal??!"
************************* **********
I'm not a perv, I swear ! 
Houndie Gurl Drama
Our dog Sophie ( basset -beagle /bagel as we call her) has been through the wringer this past week.
Seems late last week she decided to eat some towel pieces with something yummy on them unbeknownst to us.
She then spent most of Friday ( 9 days ago) ralphing.It took us going to the vet , xrays and barium to figure out there was something stuck in her.
It then took another few hours for me to realize what she had gotten into.
It wouldn't pass on it's own and so into surgery she went.
She came through stomach surgery really well , but had some issues with her protein levels and needed a plasma infusion afterwards.
She is 6 years old, and needed extra healing time as well.
She had eye surgery for glaucoma earlier this year with no complications ,but she is blind.She has adjusted very well to this .
She finally came home this past Wednesday after having been in the hospital for 4 days .
After paying the 4 K bill, she was ready to get back to the business of being at home with her pack.
She's on the mend and her Gamma April aka personal chef was instructed to make her easy to digest foods ( boiled hamburger, white rice , boiled eggs).Yesterday she got to add boiled sweet potatoes to the mix.Plus she had to take 5 meds.Now she's down to 2 .
She surprised us by pulling a rookie puppy move and eating something inedible.
Seems she got a fan club at the hospital , even her discharge papers went on about how sweet she is and what a good patient she was .
We are glad she's home and thriving again.
No Doubt About It
I'm disturbed.
You ask "Why she seems sort of normal ( except that strange entry about not using cheese as a bandage, that was just freaky-deaky)..."
I keep wanting to get a huge hand painted sign for the front porch that says ,
" Enjoy the JGurl's Pool, no running with flip flops, no lifeguard on duty.".
And then I snicker to myself.
We don't have a pool.
Not even a mud puddle right now...